What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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