Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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