Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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