haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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