So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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