Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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