Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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