So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
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So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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