If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize