This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
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Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
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My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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