I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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