I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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