I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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