some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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