I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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