did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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