fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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