I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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