we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
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You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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