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Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
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