I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
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If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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