my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my liver is dry heaving
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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