I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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