I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
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Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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