pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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