Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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