first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize