I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
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just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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