so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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