His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize