My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
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You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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