at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
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i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
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I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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