Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
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He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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