I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
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I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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