I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
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my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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