I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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