then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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