kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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