So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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