meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
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One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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