Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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