I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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