now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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