I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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