Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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