Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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