and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
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I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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