My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No subtext here. People are naked.
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you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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