good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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