I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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